All the difference
by Psamyad
Summary: Spike has gotten his soul. Here's the question: what do you do with it? Finished.


Disclaimer: I do not own Spike or any other characters from BtVS.

All the difference

It hurt like hell. And hurt. Then it hurt some more. Then, like a wave it receded and Spike quickly braced himself for the madness that was to befall him now. Only- it didn't.

- Oh yeah, that's just great. Not even the bloody soul lived up to his expectations.-

"Are you done? You got what you came for, now could I have my cave back to myself – please?" Ahgnogg was annoyed. Having had to dispose of four carcasses and a lot of goo didn't exactly put him in a good mood, not to mention that he had been getting quite fond of the pet Teevii-demon the vampire had 'accidentally' slaughtered. **Three** was supposed to be the magic number, be it fairytales, jokes or quests for your soul, it was always **three** challenges you had to face. But tradition seemed to be lost on the vampire. Not that one could expect fair play from a vampire out to get his soul, what sort of idea was that for any self-respecting demon? There he sat, freshly ensouled and all, what was he still doing here? No manners, too, didn't even bother to answer him; with all this clutching his head and wailing the vampire might not even have heard him. Ahgnogg sighed, then he breathed in deeply. The big voice it was, then.

" WARRIOR; YOU FOUGHT WELL AND EARNED YOUR PRICE. IT IS TIME FOR YOU TO LEAVE AND USE YOUR SOUL WISELY." Still no reaction. Great. "FROM NOW ON, YOU WILL WALK BETWEEN GOOD AND EVIL, AND YOU WILL BE KNOWN AS – SHADOWWALKER!"

That should do it- except it didn't. Instead the vampire had him pushed against the wall, screaming: "You bloody idiot did it wrong, you- you- amateur!" Now that hurt. Ahgnogg was, after all, the inventor and sole manufacturer of the Unbreakable Orb of Thessala™, he was the – da Vinci of soul-spells! His eyes caught the sign above his treatment-cave entrance: "The customer is always right"

Taking a deep breath, Ahgnogg shook the vampire off. He was a professional. He could deal with this.

"Ey mate, what's with the panic? Calm down and let's do this like grown-ups. What you are feeling now might be a completely normal reaction to the re-ensouling process. A certain percentage of my clients have been witnessed to suffer from delusions and a certain distress following the return of their souls. What you are feeling right now is a completely normal reaction to - " "Normal, right? Well, newsflash! Seems I'm not normal at all, or maybe you just sucked, coz there is nothing here, you understand? Nothing! Now try again, and maybe with a little more effort this time!"Ahgnogg had enough. With a flick of his hand he sealed the insolent vampire's mouth shut.

"May I remind you that I'm an interdimensionally acclaimed expert for soul-spells? Be assured that I know quite well when a spell failed, and this one didn't. You, Mr. Crazy Vampire, just got your soul back, and though it might be a bit dusty after a hundred years in the nether realms, it is as good a soul as you will ever get. As I was trying to tell you earlier, with some patients the re-ensoulment leads to complications. Apparently, they suffer from the sudden re-evaluation of their demon-life the soul seems to inflict on them. Considering that their re-ensouling is usually a punishment of some sort, these complications are acceptable, even desirable.

You, on the other hand, wished for your soul and were willing to face some unpleasant and dangerous challenges – and, for no discernible reasons, my pet-demon – in order to gain it. What for? What did you expect?" With that, Ahgnogg released his magical gag and looked expectantly at the creature in front of him.

"I hurt her. Wanted to be worthy, I guess, pay for what I did. She said she couldn't love a thing - without a soul."

Dear me. A lovesick vampire looking for redemption. Anne Rice, anyone? "Yeah, listen, Louis, nothing against that lady of yours, but you sure she is right for you? Love shouldn't be about changing the person you love, but about accepting him."

"Name is Spike. And try tell that to a pissed-off slayer."

"A vampire in love with the Slayer? That is rather poetic - in a completely-off-your-rocks way. Now once again for the slow-minded –" "watch that, mate" "- a soul might be good in some ways, as it gives you – let's just say it gives you opportunities. But it cannot change who or what you are. Think about that. You remember the human you used to be? How much of that is still there? All of it! Becoming a vampire you merge with the demon, and as the demon is usually stronger the human characteristic succumb to its strength. You rely on your instincts, and get rid of all the too subtle stuff, it's mainly want and take for you, because now you can. The Id takes over. Most vampires are dumb-asses, so what? Go to a football match and have a look at the humans, and then tell me about all that "noble soul"-crap. You're English, aren't you? Think of your soul as Dorian Gray's portrait – it remembers what you did, and it will show. Put it on the attic and forget about it, makes life easy. But it seems that you have already taken a long good look at your portrait, in the surely lovely eyes of your dear slayer. You are not human, vampire, and I cannot make you. And be honest: would you really like to be? Accept what you are. And - it would be really appreciated if you could bring me another teevii some time."

"'s that all? Some 2nd rate psychology and off I go, riding happy into the sunrise?" "There's a cave about 30 minutes from here, you should be able to make it before the sun. Know I dubbed you 'Shadowwalker' but don't take my word on that." "Oh please, I don't even want to know."

And he was gone. Finally. Ahgnogg felt a bit embarrased, actually. Couldn't let his clients know that he'd gone soft. On the other hand's side, he had enjoyed hearing himself talk. "I've always been big with the rethorics, that's true. Might want to put that part in all my spell-rituals..."he muttered, all to himself.

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What now? What do you do, finding all your hopes crumbled before you? Ashes to ashes,

There is no remedy for a shattered dream. Except to find a new one.

Coming out of the spellcaster's cave, he could already smell the sun. He pondered just to wait for it, sit down, have a fag, and be off to dustland. Then he thought about the demon's farewell words: bring me another teevii sometime. 'Can't just leave a debt of honour, and there is no one to pay it for me. No one. Guess what William, it's just the two of us now.'

By and by, he found out what having a soul meant. Like Ahgnogg had said, it gave you opportunities. Things were no longer just black or white. It felt a lot like growing up, probing and trying and mulling over things.

Being in Africa, Spike couldn't help but acknowledge the foreign life around him. The days he spent in his cave, lost in thoughts. At night he walked, occasionally catching a small mammal he could drink. Sometimes, he wandered over to Ahgnogg and listened to his philosophies. The demon still pretended to be gruff and authoritative, and Spike still taunted him about the misfired spell, but both knew enough not to mention how much they needed each other's company. Once a month people from the nearest village brought the goods Ahgnogg had mail-ordered and placed them in front of his cave. No one ever dared to take a closer look at the surroundings, though, thanks to the Big Voice as Ahgnogg had once explained over a glass of finest Scottish whiskey.

Spike watched the life around him, the animals, the plants. He watched the course of the sun through the curves of the shadows on the wall opposite his cave-entrance.

One night Spike watched a lioness hunting. She moved cautiously, silently up to her prey, her movements precise, fast, and deadly. When she jumped, Spike didn't need to look to see her jaws open, her claws sinking deep into the unfortunate deer's hide. Suddenly the smell of blood surrounded him, and his face contorted in its demonic aspect. Spike ran back to his cave and got the blanket Ahgnogg had given him. He bit into his arm, smeared blood all over his demon face, and pressed it onto the white cotton. Then, for the first time, he looked at his other side. He spent the rest of the night looking, watching the blood dry, and the ridges and creaks of that face turn brown.

The next night, he placed an order with Ahgnogg, who shook his head and grumbled. "Paper and chalk. Your cave getting too drab for you?" Spike just smiled at his friend.

Several weeks later, Spike was ready. He took the large bag and went to see his friend one last time. Ahgnogg immediately saw it in his face. "So, you have made friends with your soul at last. I told you, the spell worked allright! Vampires really are stupid, you are the un-living proof!" Spike growled and showed his fangs "Grrr!" Ahgnogg laughed, then he sighed. "It will be such a relief to no longer having to see your face. And finally I can have some brute demons around without fear of them being slain as your work-out." "Yeah, go get yourself some Fyarl, they can appreciate your smell. And here is some immediate company" he unknotted the big bag and pulled out a square furry thing that squealed and quacked incessantly. "Since you're so fond of them, and seeing that I owed you one, here is your teevie. Now pay good attention to him, it took me quite a few evocations to get him. And as to never seeing my face again: I will have to take that back then." Spike fished out one more thing out of his bag and handed it over to Ahgnogg. Ahgnogg took the lump of African earth, hardened into clay. He looked at the face of his face, crudely done but unmistakable. Then he turned the clayhead around and looked at a vampire. "You were right. I am both man and vampire."


End file.
